It is what it is. Or is it? The truth of the matter is we rarely stay in the present moment. We get in our time machines and travel to the past. Or we become fortune tellers and start predicting the future. Both places contain a whole lot of “always” and “never”. And neither place changes. If we go to the past, we bring all the feelings and reactions from old experiences to play here in the present. Now learning from the past and applying those lessons in our daily life is a healthy way to live. Being “triggered” into the past where we experience it as if it were happening in this moment is not so healthy. When our boss criticizes us, we can suddenly be six years old again and feel the shame of being told we are bad. This can make it difficult to have an adult response to our boss’ complaint. It can also set off the shame cycle in our head because a six year old believes what she is told so if she hears that she is bad, then it must be true. As an adult, we know we can reject the labels or definitions of others. Just because they say it, doesn’t mean we have to believe it. But it’s harder to reject when it resonates with what our six year old self believes.
It also doesn’t help to project into the future. In that future, people don’t change, not even ourselves. It’s a hopeless place really. Now I know the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior-far be it from me to argue with Dr. Phil- but if we only focus on those two places, we miss what’s happening now. Maybe in this moment something has changed that will completely alter the future. How will I know if I’m not paying attention to the present?
And really, all we have is now. Both the past and the future are constructs. I’ll try not to get all psychobabble-y on you, but the truth is the past as you remember it is not as it happened. Memory has altered details. Who we are has assigned it meaning and a narrative. This is what the mind does to make sense of our life, to make sense of the world of personal interaction and human connectedness. Two people can experience the same event and have completely different reactions to it. Which is the truth? They both are. I’m going to stop here before I dribble off into some esoteric discussion of truth versus reality, but suffice it to say that we each have a version of our past that is our truth even if it doesn’t match how others experienced the same events. It is through this filter that we predict future events. So although it is our truth, if our past isn’t objective, how can we accurately predict the future? The answer is we can’t . Time to retire from the psychic hotline, Sweet Pea.
Maybe the best predictor of future behavior is what’s happening right now. Stay present. Leave Mr. Peabody and his time machine behind. (Did I just age myself there?) Learn the lessons from the past, but don’t stay there. Make plans for the future, but don’t live there either. Life is happening right now, today, in this present moment. Be here and live it.
Stop Time Traveling!
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”–Henry David Thoreau
I have a simple thing I do when I need to remember to stay in the present moment. It brings me back to today, reminds me that nothing else exists or matters but this moment and that I am here and safe and fine. Amazing, right? Are ready for this revolutionary tool? I call it…
Butt in the chair.
I know. Mind blown. Take a moment to recover from its profound wisdom and let me explain how it works.
It started in grad school when I was learning to be a brand new, little therapist. Now when people sit across from little therapist you and they are emotional, in pain, wanting something to ease their suffering, it is easy for little therapist you to become “activated”. Maybe little therapist you had something similar happen to you; maybe this sets off your need to “heal the world one person at a time” and you start thinking about all the things you will do to “fix” the client. (Can you see both the past and the future there?) And now little therapist you isn’t even in the room anymore. So my reminder when this happens is
“Butt in the chair, Jaye.”
I take a second and feel my butt in the chair, my feet on the floor, my hands folded in my lap. I come back to present and sit across from my client and do the only thing I need to do–listen.
Sitting or not, this sentence translates into all areas of my life. It is my reminder that currently I am safe, here in this moment. Goodbye worry and fear. It is the reminder that right now, all is well. Hello contentment and peace. Abracadabra may be other people’s idea of magical words, but for me, its got nothin’ on “butt in the chair”.
Live True To You 