Change of Location

This week I am moving outta “Should” Town. There are a lot of “shoulds” that reside in all of us and if we are not careful, those “shoulds” can take over and create a false reality.
My “should” list can include:
I should exercise every day, eat less (like Gwenyth-Paltrow-less), save up for plastic surgery because if I don’t, I’ll get fat, age badly, be unattractive (Insert feeling of being unloveable here).
I should get more done at work, at home, as a mother (and I might add with my blog, with my art) because if not, I’m a failure (Insert feeling of being unloveable here too).
I should always be strong, pulled together, have the answer…and it had better be funny, glib and insightful because if not, I am a complete mess…and a fraud (Insert…well, you know).
The difficulty is when life becomes so chaotic and busy, we don’t have time to really examine the thoughts that have taken up residence in our heads. We certainly don’t have time to talk back to them. And so they stay, unchecked, all noisy and insistent, with their constant babble until they start to feel very real and if we don’t pull back from them, identify them for what they truly are, they can become where we live. Know this, my darling, nobody is happy living in “Should” Town. There is no “enough” in Should Town. There is no self acceptance, tolerance, love, forgiveness…nothing that is real. You cannot live true to you in Should Town.
It is time to send out a change of address card, Sweet Pea.
So this week, let’s pack up and haul off the ridiculous notion that our value is only tied to some external measure of our worth, especially some artificial standard of beauty. ( I struggle with this…and struggle with this. Trust me, Sweet Pea, there is nothing worse than an aging cheerleader/beauty queen…unless you are a plastic surgeon and then cha ching! Way to monetize insecurity! But I digress…). This week, let’s leave at the curb the lie that we have to earn love or regard. And let’s definitely throw out the insidious thought that we have to perform or change to be liked. Straight in the trash, don’t even look at the recycling bin. Let’s get this out of our internal environment. Besides, we’re moving to a much more emotionally eco-friendly place. So load up all that is good and take it with you. No backward glances in the rearview mirror at all the “shoulds”, at all the lies. You, my friend, are moving on up…and living true to you.

I Like To Move It, Move It!
“Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?’ -Fanny Brice

The “Shoulds” are tricky because they sneak in when we aren’t paying attention. In fact, they wait for us to be overly-engaged before starting in. They need the distraction because they are, at best, half-truths and at worst, flat out lies. They operate in the same way children do when they see that their parent is on the phone, hoping you will agree with whatever so you can finish your conversation. Sneaky little buggers…the “shoulds”, I mean…not our little angels that always seem to ask for some kind of dessert or to play video games every time the phone rings.
To combat the “shoulds”, first know what your “shoulds” sound like. We each have personal triggers. Know them. Know that they’re lies. That way when you catch the echo of a “should”, it can be more easily identified and addressed.
Next, take a moment to listen. What has been babbling away? What is the recurring theme? And then ask, why? What part of me is signing off on this? What part believes it? No judgement here. There will always be some part of us that believes it. That part deserves love too, remember? Just look for the why behind it.
Finally, recognize this as a call to slow down, to find some balance. Steal a moment to just be. Take a major mental vacation from all the chatter and busyness. Engage in self-care and acceptance because you deserve it. The “shoulds” are exhausting! Give yourself permission to move out of “Should” Town and don’t leave a forwarding address.

Me and My Shadow

“There is a part of ourselves that feels ugly, deformed, unacceptable. That part, above all, we must learn to cherish, embrace and call by name.” –Macrina Wiederkehr

To live true to who we are, we must know who we are, even those not-so-pretty parts. I may even add, especially those not-so-pretty parts because those are the parts if left denied, ignored and rejected that can trip us up. Any part of ourselves that we deny will come out in ways that are unexpected and usually unwanted. Those are the moments when later, upon further review, we either are filled with regret or we spend time becoming entrenched in our reaction to justify it. Let the shame spiral begin!
But there is no need for the shame. We all have parts of ourselves that we are not listing on a resume or a dating profile. All of us. Nothing to be ashamed of, but we do need to acknowledge that it is a part of who we are too. This part of us we hate. This place where we engage in self loathing. This piece of you that spends all of its time with the negative voice, the critic in our head. All that rejecting and denying and ignoring isn’t gonna change a thing. The truth is, you can’t hate it into non-existence. Hate has never changed a darn thing for the better, only love can do that.
So love the ugly parts, your weakest parts. Find the wounded place they hide inside of you and love them. Understand why they’re there. If you can understand those parts of you, you can manage them better. Love can change those parts, transform them from ugly monsters lurking inside to the small, scared part of you that they really are. Seen through love’s eyes, it may even appear as a small child asking for attention or love or approval in ways that aren’t getting it what it wants. Poor little thing. Nothing to be hated or further abused. It just needs to be seen and loved anyway.
And that’s the key. Love it anyway. Yes, it is not your best side. Love it anyway. Yes, you’d prefer it if it went away and never came back. Love it anyway. And yes, sometimes it throws a temper tantrum in public. Love it anyway. If you do, if you name it, understand it and love it anyway, the temper tantrums will lessen. You will notice that it doesn’t need to rear its ugly head because it isn’t ugly anymore. It’s loved…and that changes everything.

Shadow Dancing
“…self contempt never inspires lasting change.” –Jane Hirschman and Carol Munter

This week’s task is to spend a little time with those parts of yourself that you tend to hide in the shadow. Take out your introspective flashlight to help you see what’s lurking in the dark. When you find it, name it. Really spend time trying to understand that part of you. Why is it there? What does it stem from? What is it trying to get or accomplish? Look at the intention, the motivation behind it. What is really there? And then accept it. Completely and totally accept it. Integrate it into the whole of you. Remember, it is just a piece, a part of you. Accept it and bring it into the bigger picture. Shine a light in your shadow and love what you find there.

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Star Light, Star Bright

Living true to you is about knowing your own worth, your own value. Things can happen in our lives that can cause us to internalize the message that we aren’t good enough, that somehow we are less then.  Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is this…
         Today, in this moment, you are whole.
Maybe parts of you could use some healing or benefit from some TLC, but your wholeness already exists inside of you. There is nothing outside of you that you lack. The Universe of You is self contained and self sustaining. We share who we are, share our love and attention with others, which allows us to expand and increase what is already there. All you are is all you’ll ever need. When you look up at the night sky and see all the stars, twinkling in their places, please know they’ve got nothing on you. You too are meant to twinkle and shine in your place. There is a beauty that is uniquely yours that wants to shine, that needs to shine like a light in the darkness. Believe in your light. We do no one any favors by hiding our light. In our current culture of celebrity, what we need is a few less “Stars” and for us each to see the stars shining in our own lives. You are a miracle, unique and beautiful, shining in God’s creation. You do not lack. You do not want. You are not less than. You are more than enough and all that is required. Look in the mirror today and make a wish upon yourself, make a wish for yourself to see the star in you.

Know Your Own Constellation!
“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”–Og Mandino

As a gift to the shining light inside you, here is a video of Anis Mojgani performing his poem, Come Closer. It is more a blessing than a poem…and it is for you. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ATC5OGh3adg

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Lean into it

We are wired for pleasure. If it feels good, do it. We seek things, people, experiences that feel good, taste good, make us happy.
But what happens when things don’t feel good, when things are uncomfortable or downright painful? The natural instinct is to immediately find a way to change how we’re feeling. This is a good instinct to have, especially as a means of protecting our bodies. If my hand is burning, I might wanna take it out of the fire. No debate there. But in other areas, such as in our emotional life, things may not be that cut and dry. Feelings rarely are.
What do we do if we’re feeling lonely or stressed or afraid? Our natural instinct will be to change it, to not feel it. Now it isn’t always easy to identify how to really change a feeling, but we will try anyway, often by grabbing at whatever is around us. We look to things or other people to rescue us from how we are feeling. We might try food or sex or shopping or mindless TV, anything we know will distract us, deflect us, help us ignore the unpleasantness.
                   But what if we didn’t?
What would happen if we just sat with it for a minute? When we are brave enough to lean into the discomfort, we learn something about ourselves. What shows up in that moment when you sit with your loneliness, with your fear or insecurity? Give it a second. Take a breath. Your courage is there. How will we ever know how strong we are if we lay down every time the wind blows?
If you can stay with the negative feeling for a bit, what you will notice is that it doesn’t stay. Feelings come and go. They are transitory, so don’t create a feedback loop every time a negative feeling shows up. What do I mean? I mean, every time you feel overwhelmed, don’t start reaching for the chocolate chip cookies for help. (I have no idea who may need this particular advice. I’m just throwing it out there, completely at random.)
Lean into the discomfort and know that you are enough. Let it show up. Your courage and strength are there. Come to your own rescue.

Step Away From the Cookie Jar!

“Good feelings gone.”–Marlin from Finding Nemo

There it is. Ugh. Something doesn’t feel good.
Your first step is to identify what you are feeling. This may sound simple, but sometimes the real source of our distress may be hiding under something else. Sit with it a bit. Name it.
The second step is to ask why. Why am I feeling this way? Is it a normal response to whatever is happening in my life? Or is this feeling a reaction to something else, maybe something that happened long ago? Ask why.
Third step, acknowledge. Acknowledge it and own it. Yep, I’m feeling stressed, disappointed, sad…and its okay. No value judgements here. During our lifetimes, we will experience the full range of emotions. Thinking we can avoid the negative ones is a bit child-like. Feeling bad does not make us bad. It makes us human.
Next, ask, what can I learn about myself here? How much can I tolerate, sit with? What needs to change at the true source of the problem, not just a quick, temporary fix in the moment?
And finally, remind yourself that it won’t last forever. Feelings never do, both the good and the bad. Be brave enough to look at the bad and learn. We may not like them, but they’re good teachers.