Power to the People Pleasers

 

Sure…because what I have going isn’t as important. Yep…because you asked and I won’t even consider whether or not it’s good for me. Of course…because I never say no. I can do that…while secretly seething about how selfish you are. And here’s a resounding Yes, with a liiiittle resentment mixed in that I’m not sure how you missed and then didn’t immediately withdraw your request. Any of this sound familiar? Today, I want to take the hands of my people pleasers and gently, and compassionately help you to break the habit…because when we give a false yes to someone, we are not being true to ourselves or in our relationships with others. And we are actually being judgmental. Here’s how…
Our boundaries define who we are. Now when we define ourselves as people pleasers, we can get stuck telling ourselves that we just like to make everyone happy or we don’t think we’re worth it or we don’t like to disappoint anyone so we can’t ever say no. But that is a lie. The truth is there are always places/times/people where we all have no problem saying no, even people pleasers. So when I don’t set a boundary with specific people or in certain circumstances, I’m saying in that moment, “You only get this fake me.” This is not loving, kind or authentic. It does not allow for real connection between people. What our boundaries, our “no’s”, our “this far and no further” is saying is I respect you enough to let you see the real me, my edges, where you end and I begin. “See me; I’ll let you”, is a choice. Anything less is hiding. Not setting a boundary in any given moment is the choice to not be honest and authentic in our relationship with that person.
What about the thought, “If I say no, they won’t like me?” What are you reading about this person that is telling you they only want to hear yes, that it’s their way or the highway? And is it honestly about them? You not being true to your yes, to your boundary is a judgement of that other person, that either they are so self centered that everyone has to say yes to them or that you are only worth something in their eyes if you give them what they want. Be loving enough to give them a chance to adjust to your no, to the new aspect no brings into the relationship. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised…or maybe you’ll be right and they’re horribly judgy, demanding people because make no mistake, that’s what our false yes says we think about them. Being true to you means we get the opportunity to allow others to show us who they truly are as well. Be open to the notion that they will not think less of you (or not like you or, even worse, not love you) just because you said no or not right now or I’d love to, but I’m swamped. Be more loving in your relationships with others by being true to your yes. 

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.”–Eve Ensler

Renewed

Occasionally, life becomes so busy I have to steal time for myself. I hope that you do the same. It will look different for each of us. I hole up with paper and pen and scribble and cross out and start over and rewrite and allow myself to forget the world outside exists. Now, I can’t do this too frequently because laundry needs to be done, children need to be fed (well, and I do too) and paperwork yells from its folder in my work bag, but sometimes I need a moment to just breathe and think and do what makes me happy. Today was one of those days. So for today’s blog post, I’m sharing the early scribblings of a poem that, even though it is about my daughter,  I hope most of you can relate to and it is also my wish that we will each take time for ourselves so there is more to share with others.

For My Daughter

My daughter unfolds
outward and away from me,
a cherished letter
and there in the crease,
pressed between the years
is her four year old body straining
to run away
from my calling after her
to behave.
Her reply was always the same:
I am being have.
Our words never quite reaching
an agreement.

And even as we are here, mother and child,
now two women, struggling
to find the place where our words touch,
I hope you have saved
my I love you’s
for a day when translating
doesn’t seem so hard.

I pray there will be a day
when you will understand
each fumbling step I took
toward you
as something you can keep
in the treasure chest
of your heart.

I want to write I love you
on the delicate walls of your mouth
so you can taste it
on every breath,
but there are days, darling one,
when it seems to require
a hammer and chisel.

Hear the song of my blood
that sings through your body.
Blood and heart and air,
given to you without a word
once, when I was your home.
That we could go back
to that shared language
as you swam inside me
and the words,
mommy is here,
was just a way of being.

Take these words, dear child.
Press them to your ear
and hear the echo of the sea
inside me, where you floated
warm and cared for.
Let just the sound of my voice
like an interpreter
change the worry and fear
you see in my eyes
into the unconditional love
you need.

In the dictionary of your heart,
what letter do I look
under for love, my daughter?
Tell me
and I will meet you there.

To-Do List

Today, whenever someone tells you that you are beautiful or talented or wonderful, I want you to say, “Thank you”, but inside, I want you to think, “I know.”
Today, I want you to enjoy the love and admiration of those around you, but not need it to feel good about you because you already have the love and admiration of yourself.
Today, I want you to truly let go of looking outside yourself for approval and validation because you already know who you are and what you’re worth…regardless if anyone else sees it, comments on it or hands you a gold star for your forehead because of it.
Today, I want you to spend some time focusing on all the good that is in you. Like I’ve said before, it’s only fair. We spend so much time on a daily basis with those niggling little thoughts that only see our shortcomings, our failures, our less than stellar qualities that to truly balance the scale, we’d have to spend weeks only focusing on our successes, our strengths, all the amazing things that make us who we are. Oh, I would love it if you took weeks…but if not, do it just for today.
Today, I want you to say yes to yourself. Yes, I can have the love I deserve. Yes, I can have joy in my life. Yes, I can believe in myself and what I want for my future. Yes, it is never too late or too far away or too big for me to dream it. Yes, I am happy now, even in this moment.
Today, I want you to feel love, to feel loved and to feel loving. Watch your world change when you open up to the vast quantity of love in your life. I want you to know that your world can look like this whenever you want it to because when we fully understand that we are in control of how much love we experience in our life, everything changes.
Today, see the journey you’re on as yours. Own it. Allow yourself to listen to your own intuition about the way forward. It’s okay to listen to the stories of those who have gone before, but only if you remember you already know the way. Trust that.
Today, break your long standing date with Doubt and go hit on Happiness instead. Send Hesitation a postcard from Already Doing It. Stop letting Fear make the travel plans. Give it a little Dramamine, put it in your suitcase and go LIVE TRUE TO YOU…do it today.

“One of the only requirements for greatness is being willing to face the unknown with an avid faith in yourself.”–Maston Kipp, The Daily Love

The Business of Bottomlines

“What’s your bottom line?” I ask this question a lot in my work and it never has anything to do with running a business. I have the privilege of working with people who are wanting to make a change in their lives. Although I see people for a myriad of things, usually the part that is painful for them is their interpersonal relationships: family, friends, romantic partners. And a lot of the time, the pain is there because someone has crossed a “bottom line” and because it wasn’t defined, the client doesn’t know what to do. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked a person this question and gotten a confused look in return. Sweet Pea, let me be clear, every healthy relationship needs and deserves a bottom line.
This is also not something you wait to decide when you are in conflict, but before you are in the relationship. It’s part of knowing who you are. However, it’s never too late to ask yourself this question and to define your boundaries, so let’s dive in!
Grab a piece of paper and write down your bottom lines, in your friendships, your romantic relationships, even with your children, which I will expand on in a minute. What would have to happen for you to say, “No more” or “I’m done”? When we define where our “no’s” are, we can more fully and consciously say yes. Think about it this way…if I know where my bottom line is, the fact that I’ve chosen to engage in a relationship with you means that 1) you are getting involved with someone who knows who they are and what they are worth (Yay me!) and 2) I don’t think you’re the kind of person who will cross my bottom line (Yay you!). Boundaries give us self definitions, strength and a healthy place from which to operate in the world.
Now, let’s talk a little about our children. The difference here is obvious: our bottom lines in these relationships cannot contain the finality it can in our other relationships. We can be betrayed by a friend and say, “I’m done. You are no longer my friend”, but we can never say that to our child. Your bottom lines here may be that you decide what behaviors require outside intervention, what behaviors require you applying strong consequences in the most loving way. It may just be saying to your child, “I love you, but I can’t support that choice.” It may be a bottom line you have to set with yourself. Often we confuse always rescuing our children with loving them, when in reality, we’re blunting their growth. If this is happening in your relationships with your children, set some boundaries with yourself. Say, “I love my child enough to stand by their side while they receive the consequences of their actions.” It’s a tough one, but you can do it. Set this boundary so you can be a friend to yourself and a parent to your child. That is what a parenting bottom line should include, “No matter what, I will be the parent to my child.”  As an extreme example, I have told my children that I will love them no matter what…even if they become a serial killer…(yes, I have really said that), and then I say, “I will be horrified with your choices and my heart will be broken for you and those you’ve hurt, but I will visit you in prison-and agree that you should be there-because I will always love you, no matter what.”
Aren’t boundaries great? Love ’em. Take some time to define your bottom lines in all the areas of your life: at home, at work, at play. This will take a little time. Remember, if you can find an exception to your bottom line, it’s not your actual bottom line. Keep asking yourself, “What would cause me to HAVE to take action or to end the relationship?” and when you run out of things you could do to improve the situation and things the other person could do to pull it back from the brink, you will have your bottom line. Make a conscious decision to be in your relationships today. Bottom line? You’re worth it.

“No” is a complete sentence.”–Anne Lamott

“And I placed boundaries on it. And set a bolt and doors, and I said, ‘Thus far you shall come, but no farther…'”–Job 38:10-11, New American Standard Bible