“What’s your bottom line?” I ask this question a lot in my work and it never has anything to do with running a business. I have the privilege of working with people who are wanting to make a change in their lives. Although I see people for a myriad of things, usually the part that is painful for them is their interpersonal relationships: family, friends, romantic partners. And a lot of the time, the pain is there because someone has crossed a “bottom line” and because it wasn’t defined, the client doesn’t know what to do. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked a person this question and gotten a confused look in return. Sweet Pea, let me be clear, every healthy relationship needs and deserves a bottom line.
This is also not something you wait to decide when you are in conflict, but before you are in the relationship. It’s part of knowing who you are. However, it’s never too late to ask yourself this question and to define your boundaries, so let’s dive in!
Grab a piece of paper and write down your bottom lines, in your friendships, your romantic relationships, even with your children, which I will expand on in a minute. What would have to happen for you to say, “No more” or “I’m done”? When we define where our “no’s” are, we can more fully and consciously say yes. Think about it this way…if I know where my bottom line is, the fact that I’ve chosen to engage in a relationship with you means that 1) you are getting involved with someone who knows who they are and what they are worth (Yay me!) and 2) I don’t think you’re the kind of person who will cross my bottom line (Yay you!). Boundaries give us self definitions, strength and a healthy place from which to operate in the world.
Now, let’s talk a little about our children. The difference here is obvious: our bottom lines in these relationships cannot contain the finality it can in our other relationships. We can be betrayed by a friend and say, “I’m done. You are no longer my friend”, but we can never say that to our child. Your bottom lines here may be that you decide what behaviors require outside intervention, what behaviors require you applying strong consequences in the most loving way. It may just be saying to your child, “I love you, but I can’t support that choice.” It may be a bottom line you have to set with yourself. Often we confuse always rescuing our children with loving them, when in reality, we’re blunting their growth. If this is happening in your relationships with your children, set some boundaries with yourself. Say, “I love my child enough to stand by their side while they receive the consequences of their actions.” It’s a tough one, but you can do it. Set this boundary so you can be a friend to yourself and a parent to your child. That is what a parenting bottom line should include, “No matter what, I will be the parent to my child.” As an extreme example, I have told my children that I will love them no matter what…even if they become a serial killer…(yes, I have really said that), and then I say, “I will be horrified with your choices and my heart will be broken for you and those you’ve hurt, but I will visit you in prison-and agree that you should be there-because I will always love you, no matter what.”
Aren’t boundaries great? Love ’em. Take some time to define your bottom lines in all the areas of your life: at home, at work, at play. This will take a little time. Remember, if you can find an exception to your bottom line, it’s not your actual bottom line. Keep asking yourself, “What would cause me to HAVE to take action or to end the relationship?” and when you run out of things you could do to improve the situation and things the other person could do to pull it back from the brink, you will have your bottom line. Make a conscious decision to be in your relationships today. Bottom line? You’re worth it.
“No” is a complete sentence.”–Anne Lamott
“And I placed boundaries on it. And set a bolt and doors, and I said, ‘Thus far you shall come, but no farther…'”–Job 38:10-11, New American Standard Bible
Live True To You 