Sure…because what I have going isn’t as important. Yep…because you asked and I won’t even consider whether or not it’s good for me. Of course…because I never say no. I can do that…while secretly seething about how selfish you are. And here’s a resounding Yes, with a liiiittle resentment mixed in that I’m not sure how you missed and then didn’t immediately withdraw your request. Any of this sound familiar? Today, I want to take the hands of my people pleasers and gently, and compassionately help you to break the habit…because when we give a false yes to someone, we are not being true to ourselves or in our relationships with others. And we are actually being judgmental. Here’s how…
Our boundaries define who we are. Now when we define ourselves as people pleasers, we can get stuck telling ourselves that we just like to make everyone happy or we don’t think we’re worth it or we don’t like to disappoint anyone so we can’t ever say no. But that is a lie. The truth is there are always places/times/people where we all have no problem saying no, even people pleasers. So when I don’t set a boundary with specific people or in certain circumstances, I’m saying in that moment, “You only get this fake me.” This is not loving, kind or authentic. It does not allow for real connection between people. What our boundaries, our “no’s”, our “this far and no further” is saying is I respect you enough to let you see the real me, my edges, where you end and I begin. “See me; I’ll let you”, is a choice. Anything less is hiding. Not setting a boundary in any given moment is the choice to not be honest and authentic in our relationship with that person.
What about the thought, “If I say no, they won’t like me?” What are you reading about this person that is telling you they only want to hear yes, that it’s their way or the highway? And is it honestly about them? You not being true to your yes, to your boundary is a judgement of that other person, that either they are so self centered that everyone has to say yes to them or that you are only worth something in their eyes if you give them what they want. Be loving enough to give them a chance to adjust to your no, to the new aspect no brings into the relationship. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised…or maybe you’ll be right and they’re horribly judgy, demanding people because make no mistake, that’s what our false yes says we think about them. Being true to you means we get the opportunity to allow others to show us who they truly are as well. Be open to the notion that they will not think less of you (or not like you or, even worse, not love you) just because you said no or not right now or I’d love to, but I’m swamped. Be more loving in your relationships with others by being true to your yes.
Our boundaries define who we are. Now when we define ourselves as people pleasers, we can get stuck telling ourselves that we just like to make everyone happy or we don’t think we’re worth it or we don’t like to disappoint anyone so we can’t ever say no. But that is a lie. The truth is there are always places/times/people where we all have no problem saying no, even people pleasers. So when I don’t set a boundary with specific people or in certain circumstances, I’m saying in that moment, “You only get this fake me.” This is not loving, kind or authentic. It does not allow for real connection between people. What our boundaries, our “no’s”, our “this far and no further” is saying is I respect you enough to let you see the real me, my edges, where you end and I begin. “See me; I’ll let you”, is a choice. Anything less is hiding. Not setting a boundary in any given moment is the choice to not be honest and authentic in our relationship with that person.
What about the thought, “If I say no, they won’t like me?” What are you reading about this person that is telling you they only want to hear yes, that it’s their way or the highway? And is it honestly about them? You not being true to your yes, to your boundary is a judgement of that other person, that either they are so self centered that everyone has to say yes to them or that you are only worth something in their eyes if you give them what they want. Be loving enough to give them a chance to adjust to your no, to the new aspect no brings into the relationship. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised…or maybe you’ll be right and they’re horribly judgy, demanding people because make no mistake, that’s what our false yes says we think about them. Being true to you means we get the opportunity to allow others to show us who they truly are as well. Be open to the notion that they will not think less of you (or not like you or, even worse, not love you) just because you said no or not right now or I’d love to, but I’m swamped. Be more loving in your relationships with others by being true to your yes.
“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.”–Eve Ensler
Live True To You 