Y’know, I’d like to think that ALL my posts are helpful and have an impact on people’s lives, but the truth is that I get the most feedback and comments when I write a post about dealing with other people’s drama or OPD. At first, I attributed this to our thinking a wee bit too small. (“Yes, other people can be petty and annoying, but focus on yourself and your dreams and it will all work out!” Not helpful, Pollyanna!) But I now think the reason those posts always struck a nerve is that those situations can be the most baffling to us. We get that we are in control of our own destiny and that we all need to be a little braver to reach our dreams, but what about when you are going along, living your life, with the best of intentions and a good heart and BAM! You’re hit with a drama storm. No warning. No change in the pressure system. No heavy rains or gusts of wind. Heck, your hair didn’t even get mussed up and yet there you are in the middle of a tornado named OPD…and you without an umbrella. There is no avoiding it. Sorry, dearhearts. If you choose to interact with human beings, someone will spiral into your weather system periodically and dump some OPD right in the middle of an otherwise sunny day. Welcome to Life. We are all on different paths; we are all at different places on the journey. And yes, some people will go their whole lives causing drama wherever they go…and never make the connection that it’s them; it will always be everyone else who is the problem. Here’s the bad news: There is nothing you can do to change that. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Even getting on your high enlightenment horse and (fake) feeling sorry for “those kind of people” isn’t gonna change a thing, but…
…there are things we can do to prepare for OPD so we can minimize its effects. Start with what you can control. This first lesson I had to learn the hard way, more then once, is to choose your friends wisely. I’m pretty accepting of people. It’s part of my nature. So, for many years I had friends that created drama in their lives, in my life, at their places of work, in relationships, basically everywhere…but I was in what I thought was a “non-judgmental” place by seeing the character flaws (the constant saying one thing to someone’s face and another behind their back, the constant gossiping about others, the flat out making things up, the taking everything personally-even when CLEARLY it had nothing to do with them, the immaturity and insecurity), but I kept standing by them like a good, loyal friend does, right? Wrong. I did not have good boundaries and as a consequence I kept finding myself in these weird, drama triangles with my “friends” or having an opinion about a person that later I would find out had nothing to do with the truth about who that person was. I had to learn-more than once-that a person that will lie and spread gossip to you about others, will lie and spread gossip about you to others. I know, duh, right? I’d like to be able to tell you that I figured it out in my twenties, but I can’t…I was a lot older when I realized that I don’t have to be friends with everyone and to be happy, I needed to be picky about who I let in. Now in case you have ever had the thought “I think I’m a crazy magnet”, let me share with you the words of a wise therapist (No, it’s not me…but aren’t you kind.:) ) As I was sharing once that I feel like a crazy magnet, Helen the wise therapist said, “Well, of course you are. Your acceptance of others is healing and who is in most need of healing? Sick people. You just need to learn how to bring that energy into yourself more”, which was her code word for boundaries. So since learning that important lesson, my friend circle is small and of high quality. Trials and troubles come to us all, my friends and myself included, but the travails of Life are different than drama and my friends get that.
Now moving on to what you can’t control. We are not in control of who are coworkers are or who are family members are. Both of these groups are foisted upon us. Sometimes we have some minimal control over how much contact we have with the people in this group, but that’s about it. So if you are clear about who you let into your friend circle, this will be the arena from which the unsuspecting drama will come. The group over which you have no control. Again, sorry. I don’t care how Zen-Buddha-Insert Name of Higher Power Here-Like you are, you will sometimes experience drama at the hands of others. Welcome to the planet. Seven billion people here and yes, even with all the tragedy and abuse and poverty and social injustice in the world, there will be a small percentage of people who are petty and insecure and look for offense and to create drama just to liven things up. Getting angry won’t change that. I’ve tried. Getting super angry and all puffed up with righteous indignation won’t change that. I tried that too and just looked really ridiculous. Trying to reason with the Mayor of Dramatown won’t change that either. Yep, tried that too. Drama is usually based on only the smallest of slices of reality and you both need to be experiencing reality to be able to invite reason to the party. Trust me, there’s no reasoning with drama. It would be more productive to just follow the white rabbit into Wonderland ’cause that’s where you’re gonna end up if you try that route. Been there. Done that. Smoked a hookah with a caterpillar, but I digress…And finally, counter to Thumper’s and prevailing wisdom’s advice, ignoring it won’t help either. Tried that too. But I discovered-of course, the hard way-that OPD grows exponentially when we pretend it’s not happening. It’s like the good ole Mayor of Dramatown takes your silence as assent to continue to treat you dismally or involve you in the muck. Here’s another sorry for ya-Sorry! As uncomfortable as it is, as much as you hate conflict, as much as you know the damage is done and nothing can change that, you will have to set a boundary. If not, I hope you are battening down the hatches and filling your sandbags, because you have set your course straight into the middle of the drama storm. Your boundary is all you have control of in this scenario. Don’t lie to yourself that avoiding the situation is taking the high road. The true high road does not require us to give our power away. It only mandates that we set our boundaries with the utmost integrity and care. The high road is not to be used for running away.
When we know who we are, we can be accountable for our own actions. We can find ourselves in a drama storm and know the only way out is to own our way in…and then set the boundaries that need to be set. This is the key to living a life you love. Live true to you by loving yourself enough to come in from the storm.
Live True To You 