Doing PR for Rude Bitch (yes, there’s swearing in this one.)

Today I’m going to talk about “Rude Bitch”.
Rude Bitch is the name a friend of mine gives to herself when she behaves in a way that she’s not proud of. In fact, she beats herself up over Rude Bitch. And let me be very clear, it takes a LOT for Rude Bitch to actually emerge because my friend is so very nice, avoids all confrontation like the plague and really wants to be liked. So, one day we’re visiting and she shares a work story where someone had called and been obnoxious so she had been short in return, which the person on the phone didn’t like and told my friend as much…and it had kept my friend awake all night that there might be people in the world that thought she was a rude bitch. My response?
“I like Rude Bitch.”
And here’s why. Rude Bitch knows where the line is and what her worth is. Rude Bitch says, this far and no further. Good ole RB insists on being treated with respect…and if you can’t manage that, I will be short and to the point so I no longer have to interact with you. You don’t like it? So. What. I decide where my boundaries are and what you will encounter when you cross them. In this case, what you encounter is, “Say hello to my little friend, Rude Bitch.” Rude Bitch sets boundaries, knows what the bottom line is and firmly believes forgiveness doesn’t mean we’re bff’s. I can forgive you from afar…and with some people, the “afar-ther” the better. Rude Bitch holds people accountable for their own “poo” instead of wasting time imagining alternate scenarios wherein she says and does everything “just right” so the other person wouldn’t have been such a massive jerk, as if we are somehow not only responsible for our own bad behavior, but for the bad behavior for others. Rude Bitch knows she isn’t God and knows she is only in control of herself. Anything else is hubris.
Now, Rude Bitch is my friend’s label for this part of herself, I think mostly because she is so nice, so when she has to lay down a boundary, it feels “bad” to her, but the reality is, there is nothing rude or bitchy about knowing your worth and allowing others to be accountable for their own choices and behavior. Gravity is not a rude bitch if I decide to jump off a building and crash to the ground and get hurt. Gravity has set a boundary with…well, everybody and the whole Universe and we all just have to respect that.
So, how about you? Is there a part of you that can say no, that can say here’s the line not to cross? Do you love it or hate it? Are you embarrassed by it because somewhere along the line you were taught that good girls (and boys) don’t act like that, that somehow it’s wrong to stand up for yourself? Do you find yourself apologizing when she (or he) shows up? Stop. Invite it in. Because if you don’t, it’ll have to force its way into the party when necessary and it’s never pretty when it comes bursting in the backdoor. When we shame Rude Bitch (or whatever you call that part of yourself), when we say that part of us is bad or wrong, it becomes bad or wrong. It grows ugly when it’s forced to live in the shadow. It needs and deserves love and light. Tell it it’s good and watch it rise to the occasion. And maybe give it a better name too, huh? Maybe something with Strength or Respect in it…because they are both in you.

From the Archive

After a valiant effort on the part of my immune system, I have succumbed to this muddled head causing, brain fog inducing cold/flu thing that has been in full-on siege mode among my co-workers and at my son’s school. Dangit. But I am choosing to see this as an opportunity to lay in bed guilt-free, drink tea and watch Star Wars IV-VII. Always a silver lining, people, always a silver lining. So in keeping with my self-care theme, I went through some of my blog posts from two years ago (I know! Two years already!) and am sharing one that I hope you’ll enjoy. So without further ado, here is…

Hearing Voices

“Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.”–Virginia Satir

I first encountered this quote over 14 years ago and it has stayed with me all these years, the way that truth does. We all have those times in our lives when no matter how miserable we are in a particular situation, changing it just seems too scary. Better the Devil you know, as they say. And so we plod along, unhappy, unhealthy, disconnected from that voice inside that tells us we need to make a change. You know that voice, don’t you? The one that doesn’t quiet down. The one who doesn’t buy our rationalizations, our excuses or justifications for why we accept this smaller version of ourselves. Because that voice knows something you don’t: The fact that you feel conflict about something in your life means that it is not right for you. Think about that for a second. If this life I am currently living were everything I needed to reach my potential, to feel purpose filled, I would feel content. I feel conflict when situations in my life, when the choices I make, are not in keeping with my definition of myself. It is uncomfortable to not live true to you. But even if we acknowledge that conflict–I should finish that degree, lose weight and become healthier, be more engaged in my work or my relationships, follow my dream–standing on the edge of change can be so paralyzing that we can’t take a step forward. “Yes, it’s not ideal or even good”, we tell ourselves, “but at least I know how to do this. It’s familiar”, we say as we back away from the edge. The life we are living may be miserable, but it is known, quantifiable. That life that is out there, beckoning…is a gamble. Maybe it’ll be better, we hope. But then we fear that maybe we’ll fail and lose even this cozy, little hole of misery that we definitely have a love/hate relationship with. Yes, we each hate it when our lives feel miserable. That’s easy enough to understand. Just listen to us complain about it. But the truth is, we also love it. That little piece of misery is a part of our identity. It’s our safety net. It is our opportunity to say, “Of course I’m meant for better, worthy of so much more, but see this over here–my bad childhood, my limited financial resources, the dependency of others, tradition, lack of time or education, my age, whatever–that is what holds me back” and in that place, we don’t have to extend ourselves. We don’t have to try something new. We stand safe in our misery, putting the shackles on our own feet and pocketing the key in a practiced sleight of hand that almost convinces us that it is others–other people, other circumstances–that keep us bound.
Until that dang voice pipes up again.
You will never be happy until you live your truth, the truth of who you are. No shackles or prison walls of your own making will change that. And because it is true, the voice will always emerge. That voice is your heart, your true heart. It’s your center, your spirit, your soul. Let it speak. It is that fearless place inside of you. Embrace it. It is your deepest authenticity. Accept it. It is all the love you carry inside you. Share it. It is you, at your essence. Reveal it. Let its strength bring you to the edge of change. Listen as it whispers in your ear, “You are enough.” Let it take your hand…and jump.

Courage Required!
“The subconscious is suspicious of change and will try to engage you in whatever it needs to keep you the same, to keep you stuck. Change means a loss of the old self, and no matter how badly you may feel about [a situation] or an image of yourself, it is you, and you have cared for it and put a lot of energy and time everyday in keeping it the same. It takes discipline and courage at some point in the process of healing to allow for real change.”–Laura Day
Change is not for the faint-hearted. Thankfully for us all, our true heart is not weak. It’s a fighter. This week, take a look at what obstacles stand in your way of changing, of moving away from “misery”. Ask yourself, what is its function in my life? What part of my identity is holding on to it, staying where I am? If I give this up, do I give up my identity as the long-suffering martyr? If I make a change, do I give up my excuse that I could have accomplished so much more if only I had been born into different circumstances? Do I have to stop being a victim and become more accountable for the life I’m living? Oh boy. Scary, I know. But take courage. You can do this. You can fight against the comfort of misery and win. Now you are armed with the truth of who you are. You are the true, brave heart. Listen to that voice again. Notice that it is no longer a whisper, but a battlecry.

Doing It On Purpose

Here’s my to-do list for today:
Laundry
Pay bills
Clean floors/bathroom
Make dinner
Exercise
Write blog
Finalize lesson for Church
Not too exciting, is it? And you all probably have similar lists. Welcome to being an adult, we tell ourselves. That’s just the way it is, we sigh resignedly. Head down and plow through, just like every other day of mindless doing. But on the days when we are a bit more aware of the daily grind, we can wonder, is this all there is? The answer is yes and no.
Yes because adult life comes with responsibilities and obligations. It comes with built in routines and timetables to help things run smoothly, but that can feel mundane and lifeless. And if too many of our days feel mundane and lifeless, we can look for short term ways to liven things up temporarily or at least provide us with some novelty, but if we’re not careful, we can spend our life’s currency on that of no long term worth. Food can break the routine. TV can be a change of pace. Anything that takes over and takes us emotionally away from the present (and it doesn’t just have to be the usual suspects of drugs, drink and sex) can provide us with a temporary high that comes with too high a long term cost.
The answer is no if we shift the way we see our daily to-do list. We change the focus of our life by focusing on the intentions behind how we are living our lives. With me so far? Intention is our reason for doing what we do. It is also a reminder that we always have a choice. I may feel like I HAVE to fix my family dinner, but the reality is I’m choosing to and my intention behind it clarifies that for me. Moment of honesty here, without my being clear about my intentions, it is waaay too easy for me to become Martyr Jaye, downtrodden and forgotten, sacrificing all to care for everyone else. *sniff, sniff* …all the while everyone else is merrily going about their business, oblivious to the dramatic one-woman play that’s unfolding in my head. Trust me, if off-Broadway included what goes on in my head, there’d be some Tonys on my mantle. “And the award for most long suffering woman in the worst family of ingrates ever goes to…” But I digress.
Intention creates meaning. Back to making dinner-if my intention when preparing a meal is to care for my family, to nurture and nourish them, I have elevated my making dinner from an obligation to an act of love. But wait! There’s more! I have a choice about my intention. Maybe making dinner isn’t my thing, it’s not how I nurture my family, so instead, I choose to throw something simple together that will fuel my body and the bodies of my family. Taking care of my body may be my intention and my family gets to benefit from that. I nurture my family in other ways. That’s okay! The important piece is to be clear on YOUR intention. Intentions are like fingerprints, unique to the individual. If our intent is to fuel the body, but we feel obligated to make an elaborate meal to “prove” we are the “Good Mother”, resentment sneaks in…and then it’s dim the lights because the play is about to start.
So, let’s use my to-do list as an example. I try to set my intentions for the day first thing in the morning. I categorize my list into four categories: heart, mind, body, spirit. This is just the way I do it and you are under no obligation to do it this way. Be creative! Find what works for you. Because I want to feel nourished as a core feeling in my life, I set my intention with this statement- Today, I will nourish…
*my BODY by doing yoga (there’s my exercise) drinking my green juice and lemon water, and paying attention to when my body is actually hungry and when it is full. I will also feed myself whole food today (and now dinner is covered).
* my MIND by pondering, reading whatever strikes my interest and then writing my blog. I nourish my mind so I have something to share. Also, my MIND is nourished when I am organized and responsible. Pay bills-check.
* my HEART by loving myself and others. Now for me, this is where I put my chores because I love it when my house is clean. It makes me feel peaceful and free, and I deserve to feel like that. I give myself that gift. This category is where I ask, how do I nourish and care for my family? Today, that is going to be through doing their laundry. Those lucky ducks. 
*my SPIRIT by spending time in devotion. Pray. Meditate. Spend time with the word of God. Today, that will include finishing up my lesson for tomorrow, but it doesn’t always. Whatever fills my spirit, grounds me and balances me, goes in this category.
Today, take some time to live true to you by becoming clear about your intentions behind the things you do each day. If there is an area of resentment, ask it why it’s there. Are you performing a task with the intention of producing a specific outcome? Is there something you are doing that has a lot of hidden strings attached? Or maybe you’re like me and are subconsciously engaged in the wonderful production of If I Do It All For Everyone Else They Will Love and Adore Me Forever. Newsflash: people would rather they brought back CATS. Live true to you by getting off the stage and getting clear on your intentions. You, and everyone else, will be glad you did. Cue applause.

Large and In Charge

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”—from Invictus by William Ernest Henley
Two simple lines that seem to answer the question, who is in charge of you? For a moment, let’s put aside the theological argument that God or the Divine or the Universe, whatever you call your higher power is in charge. I get it and we’ll come back to that later. But for now, let’s talk about YOU, your decisions, your problems and struggles, your life in all its glory…who’s in charge of YOU?
We can sort our perspective on this question into two categories: external locus of control and internal locus of control, if ya want to be fancy pants about it. If you don’t, we can also call it: victim vs victor thinking. Basically it boils down to this, do I believe I have the power to act or am I only being acted upon?
With the external locus of control, everything happens to me. And I mean, everything. Even the consequences of my own choices are somehow being done “to” me. Let’s say I choose to cheat on a test and get caught. Victim response here would be that it’s the teacher’s fault that I had to cheat. He didn’t explain the concept well enough. Or maybe I didn’t do any of my charting or paperwork at the office so Friday night I’m working late and have to miss out on hanging with my friends. External locus says, “This job is too demanding! My boss is unreasonable! And it’s not fair that I’m the only one working late!” This victim mentality can spill over into every aspect of our lives. The saddest part is that it keeps us stuck. We can’t move forward in any area of our lives if we believe that outside forces are in control.
Internal locus of control is the opposite. Circumstances may not be ideal, but there is ALWAYS something I can do to change things, even if it’s just my attitude about it. So let’s revisit the examples. Internal locus identifies way before the test that we are not getting the concepts and asks for help. And the first time we miss a party due to having to stay late at the office is the day we commit to being more organized at work so it doesn’t happen again. We are in charge.
If you are feeling stuck in any area of your life, now is the time to evaluate: Am I waiting for some outside force to change things or am I actively looking for the places I have control over at this moment? Am I stuck here because I really don’t have a move to make or am I using that as an excuse because fear has me immobilized? Am I willing to take my power back from whomever I have been handing it over to and to stop treating them like they are all-powerful in my life? This last one can be tricky, but if we are not careful we can be practicing idolatry in our relationships. Thy will be done is a powerful prayer, but only if you are speaking to the Divine, not some other human being. For that moment of surrender to be effective, you need to be in charge of that will you want to hand over. The Divine is not going to wrestle it away from your partner, your boss, or any other person. It needs to be yours to give.
The essence of living true is just that-Living. True. The truth is you are always in control of you. There is always some choice that you can make that can mold your life into what you would like it to be. Other people, circumstances, even trials and tragedies and the traumas of the past are not in control of you, unless you let them. You are in control of that too. So, who is in charge of you, victim or victor? The choice is YOURS.

Settle In for Story Time With Auntie Jaye

Today’s story is of Little Red Riding Hood. As we all know, Little Red was skipping through the forest with her basket of goodies-brave little thing that she is-on her way to Grandmother’s house. When she gets to Grandma’s house, she discovers that Granny has been eaten by the ubiquitously described Big, Bad Wolf. Our heroine is in peril of being next on the menu, but just as all hope is lost, in bursts the Woodsman who kills the Wolf, restoring all to its rightful place…which, in some versions, even includes Grandma who apparently has been sitting in the Wolf’s stomach, refusing to be digested. Props to Granny. Let’s take a closer look as this story has a few lessons for us to chew on.
You, my dear, are Red. I don’t care if it clashes with your hair or isn’t your favorite color. Suck it up. You’re Red. And you are embarking on a wonderful journey through the dark wood. Yes, it’s dark. Woods are always dark. So stuff can hide in there, that’s why. But you, armed with your basket of talents and gifts, are not afraid and off you go to follow your dream. You have a destination in mind and if it’s through the dark woods, so be it, you say. I like that about you.
After traveling for a long while, you begin to see your dream is within reach! Yes! But wait, something is off. You should feel jubilant. Accomplished. Maybe even ready for a well earned nap…but instead there’s panic. Feelings of not being worthy or good enough, like you don’t deserve it emerge. Yikes! Fear has shown up in Wolf’s clothing. And because you are polite, you strike up a conversation with Fear. “My, what big eyes you have!”, you point out. “All the better to see all your flaws, my dear. This will never work out for you. I can see clearly that while others may succeed here, you won’t. I mean, who still wears riding hoods?? Newsflash: you’re not riding anything! You’re walking! You look ridiculous! Give up now.” Wow. That was hurtful, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion about riding hoods, you decide and so you continue on. “My, what big ears you have”, you say with a less confident voice this time. “All the better to hear the things everyone is saying behind your back, my dear. Can’t you hear it too? The laughing? I mean, they’re shaking their heads so much, I’m surprised you can’t hear the rattling! We all heard you humming and skipping through the dark woods. Seriously? You are so naive! Wake up to reality and give up now. It’s really for the best.” And then Fear decides to skip the back and forth…”And yes, I have big teeth too, but someone has to tell you the truth! You can’t go around with your head in the clouds. That dream you have? That kind of thing happens for other people, not you. I’m only saying this because I don’t want to see you getting hurt or disappointed. Who are you to want something like that for yourself? Delusional! I’m just saying what everyone is thinking.”
And so here you are, about to be consumed by Fear. Dejected, you let your little basket slip to the floor. Who cares what I carry…it doesn’t matter anymore, you think to yourself. But wait, you suddenly remember…isn’t there a Woodsman in this story? Yes! And what is the Woodsman in our lives? Work, my darling. The Woodsman is hard work. The Woodsman is not some Princely type who hasn’t worked a day in his life. Oh, no! He’s not out riding around on his overly groomed steed looking for comatose women to kiss. No way, Jose! He doesn’t have time for that! He’s in the woods (duh) with his ax (thank goodness) working away. Work, action, taking the next right step rescues us from Fear. The Wolf lurks around every corner on our journey. It follows us like a shadow, (which it is, but more on that at another time), but if we’ve done the work, we can manage the wolfly voice. Throw it a bone and tell it to go curl up by the fire. You got this. Taking action, doing the work required strengthens us until we’re up to the task, until we’re tough…well, as tough as an old Granny. And so our hero, Work conquers that old villain, Fear and the Dream is restored.
Fear is and always will be a part of life, especially a life filled with dreams and change and personal growth. But that’s also the only life worth living. So, today, design your journey through the dark woods. Prepare for the Wolf. Put the ax in the Woodsman’s hand. Live true to your own fairy tale and get to work. *Sigh* Don’t you just love a happy ending?

Knowing Why

I started running consistently in 2012, As anyone who runs can confirm, it’s addictive and soon I really looked forward to hitting the river trail where I live, blasting the music on my hot pink iPod Shuffle and letting my mind wander wherever it needed to go while I ran. Every incline I would attack like a beast, stretching out my stride. Yesss! Now I have zero desire to run a marathon, but I ran 2-3 miles and loved it. So in 2013, when a friend asked me if I wanted to run a race with her and some other women, I eagerly said yes. It was in San Francisco, a 5K through the mud. Sounds fun, I’m in! We even had a cute team name and matching outfits picked out! And then something unexpected happened…I didn’t want to run anymore. Every morning I’d hit the trail like I had shown up for a death march. The hills were painful. (Were there this many before?? How are they adding hills to the river trail??) I found myself constantly mindful of the distance. (Where is the next mile marker?? Why is it so far away??) My shoes wouldn’t stayed tied. My Shuffle would only work intermittently. And my ear buds kept popping out of my ears. What happened? What happened was I hadn’t been mindful of my motivation, of what was fueling my running. For me, running was almost a meditative state. I chose a familiar path and ran the same distance almost every day. The repetition freed my mind to ponder whatever was floating around in there, to process what was hung up and what, like my feet, needed to move. It was a solitary time that I had carved out for myself in a life that is filled with people. It was time alone, in nature, where I could feel part of the environment and at peace. The minute I introduced competition to the mix, all that peace was gone…and so was my love for running. And honestly, here we are in 2014 and it still hasn’t fully returned. Now, don’t get me wrong. I can be a competitive girl. Anyone who went to grad school with me has seen this in action. There’s a reason my diploma says, “With Distinction.” (What??? An A-??? A MINUS?? I’m talking to the professor…) But that was not what was motivating my run and I didn’t honor that. And this is an important “distinction” (See what I did there? *wink,wink*). We are successful in meeting our goals when we understand what’s motivating them. What is your “why” behind anything you do or want to achieve? Finishing your degree. Losing weight. Moving forward in your career or changing careers. Having fulfilling relationships with others. Whatever it is that you want, but are finding it difficult to stay the course, take a moment to look at your “whys.” Maybe I’m not losing weight because my motivation isn’t inspiring at a deep level. Yes, we all want to look better at our class reunion, but that “why” may set you up to resent every calorie NOT eaten (and the people you are NOT eating those calories for) because it is not a motivation that feeds your soul. Take a look at any part of your life where you feel stuck. where you say you want something, but aren’t making much progress moving in that direction. Look at the why underneath it. What is your real motivation? And if you discover it’s a why that is uninspiring, can you change it? Let’s look at losing weight again. Does it shift for you to trade in the why of trying to impress others with your appearance and instead hold on to the why of  taking care of your body because you are beautiful just the way you are and deserve a long and healthy life? Take some time to get better acquainted with yourself by really examining what is fueling everything you do. Live true to you by embracing the “whys” that are true to your higher self. That’s where success lives. Thanks for reading…gotta run. 😉

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

So here’s what happened…after spending two hours (TWO HOURS!) writing and editing my blog post, I began searching for a pic to go with the post, like I usually do, and the first one I chose didn’t sit right in the post format. It was huge! So, I tried resizing it, but that didn’t work well so I just deleted it and it disappeared…along with my well written blog post on choosing to be a victor instead of a victim. Seriously. All two hours of work. Gone. Forever. And now, I am out of the time I have allotted for writing; all my other responsibilities call…which I will be attending to while wailing and gnashing my teeth. So, in the meantime, since a lot of you are new to Live True and probably have a life that doesn’t involve reading all my past blog posts, let’s revisit an oldie, but a goodie, shall we? If you need me, I’ll be in the fetal position, lamenting the vagaries of technology. Enjoy. Revolutionary Love Psst, can I tell you a secret? You don’t have to earn love. I know, revolutionary, right? But the truth is, today, intrinsically, you have worth just because you are you. You do not need to cure cancer, invent some new life saving device, be beautiful or talented, have tons of money or own a bunch of nice things to be worthy of love. And I’m sure that you agree with me…because I started with the easy stuff. But this is true too– You are worthy of love whether or not you meet the needs of everyone around you. You are worth someone seeing you for who you truly are, regardless of anything else you do. How does that feel? A little harder to believe? Often we abandon ourselves. Make ourselves small. Convince ourselves that we will be loved only if we can keep our needs to a manageable level. And part of that whittling away includes never applying that same standard to others, believing that if we need less, demand less than those we interact with then surely they will love us. This doesn’t just apply to our romantic relationships, but can be true in our friendships and at work as well. Our smallness can become part of our self definition. We tell ourselves, “I’m emotionally self sufficient. I don’t need a lot of attention or affection. I’m low maintenance.” All the while, we are tap dancing as fast as we can at work, twirling flaming batons in our friendships and keeping a ridiculous number of plates spinning, while doing somersaults and reciting the Gettysburg Address in our romantic relationships.                      Low maintenance, my Aunt Fanny. Sweet Pea, you do not have to earn love. Not now. Not ever. You don’t have to engage in a huge production to then accept crumbs of affection in return. You are worth love and loyalty, respect and concern. You have intrinsic value. Hear that. Because you are alive, because you are inhaling and exhaling, you are worthy of love. That’s it. Nothing else required. You have worth because you carry within you the spark of the Divine! “The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” — Jeremiah 31:3 KJV Today, let’s stop looking to other flawed human beings for validation of our worth. We see each other with such limited vision that there is no way that it can be an accurate measure. It’s like trying to take the temperature with a yardstick. Ain’t gonna happen. Tap into the Divine. Whatever that looks like for you, spend some time in devotion to the One who knows your worth, that knows your heart and all the good that resides there. You have value because you are valued by God. And there is nothing small about that.

Poetic Peace

 

 

The last few weeks have been filled with work, change and and personal growth. which is good for the most part, but has been a lot all at once. I feel a bit scattered and disorganized, like a sudden onset of adult ADD. So to give myself a moment to breathe and to regain a bit of peace, I am sharing a poetry post. Some of these may be familiar, but warranted a second look and some are new. Enjoy and thanks for your understanding.

You Falling Madly in Love

experience a moment of bliss
the blessings of the gods
the main difference between
Cupid’s choreography
and to lose one’s head
deserves your total devotion
For all of us, art is
the gratitude we feel.

As if by design
you have secured more than beauty
often the difference between
mysteries of the human heart
and an impulsive desire
is a matter of perspective
Conjure up a world, gift wrapped
with a few surprises of your own.

Rejoice

It takes a brave woman to release one’s heart.
The greatness you celebrate in pretty things:
handle with care.
It is our pursuit of happiness
that deserves close examination.
More should have said, love yourself.
Not all your belongings belong to you.
The woman sitting next to Cinderella
is never satisfied. What makes you
loveable will take you by surprise.
Many things are possible;
each asking for your attention in their own way.
Luck is as feminine as a premonition.
Don’t strive to be merely beautiful
when you are destined to be regal,
captivating, an amazing soul.
The harmonious gesture of the morning
befriends you. Think
of what will happen for a woman
who holds her courage
in the palm of her heart.

Whenever I Dream of You

The stars shine
in the purple melted sky
as I lean over a well
blowing ripples
into the still water, pushing
the oceans to their edges.

Ships slip out to sea
with regrets sewn into their sails.
Wishes too, maybe,

There’s just too many rules
here among the waves,
but the fish don’t mind
the time or the way
your fingers snap impatiently.

Hate whom you need to hate.
Love the rest like the fragile bones
inside a sand dollar.

Spin your teeth
to say pleasing things
if you must.
I see your truth

like a green worm hidden
on a tomato plant
when it trembles
and the smell of black earth
replaces the air in your lungs.

It’s the last note
played on the piano
in the last house
you lived in the last time
you were loved. Do you
remember that far back?

A hand like a blanket fort
closes around yours.
Even with the mask on, you know
the hand will always be mine.

The carousel spins behind us.
Bright horses invite us to ride
but, although the music
is impossible,
we choose to dance instead.

The smallest key fits silently
into the lock with a click
hushed by the sunlight
snaking through the places
not neatly tied shut.

I move through the murky,
swamp-filled desires
that linger here,
drenching the hem of my white dress.

But I know the warmth is all I need.

I tap my foot
like a voodoo curse
against the church bells, chiming
from the place that is real.

and I awake
in our bed
blinking at you
stretched out next to me.

I whisper into your sleeping ear,
I miss the carousel.

The Play’s the Thing

“Knowing your darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.”–Carl Jung “All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.” –James Thurber “Your dark side will keep you whole.”–Andrea Balt “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”–Regina Malabago “Everybody’s got a dark side.”–Kelly Clarkson To truly love yourself, you must know yourself and choose to love ALL of what you see there. It is not self love if I only love myself when I’m doing it all right, when I’m kind and gracious and pleasing, when I’m meeting everyone’s expectations, when I’m having a good hair day. That’s my little Love Earner’s definition of self love, poor, frazzled thing. And what could be more self loving than metaphorically taking her by the hand and leading her off the stage. “Take a break from performing, Sweet Pea”, you’ll whisper in her ear, while unlacing her tap shoes. Yes, that part of you will feel a little anxious, but pause for a second…what else is there? Ah, yes…relief. Now, see what else has been waiting backstage, ignored and rejected, only seen when it has had enough and decides to rush the stage and blurt out a bunch of lines that aren’t in the script and are embarrassing and awful and now it’s all chaos and if you could just ban them from the theater completely, everything would be so much better. But you can’t. That’s not how it works. They are a part of the play too and if they are invited in, on cue, all will be well. All the actors in this play cannot be beautiful and nice. A little tension is needed to keep things from being boring. And make no mistake about it, my darling, you are far too interesting to be boring. So welcome those other parts of you-the rejected, the ignored and denied-onto the stage. Listen to what they have to say. Even in the ugliest parts, there is grace. When we know what is there, we cannot be caught off guard when they show up. Being caught off guard is when the trouble starts because we can’t think when we’re in reaction because we’re just…well, reacting, which usually signals Self Loathing to take center stage and then The Critical Voice launches into its monologue and by then we’re halfway through my least favorite act, The Shame Spiral, so instead… Invite all those parts of you to the stage. Let them recite their lines. Pettiness. Jealousy. Impatience. Intolerance. Laziness. The casting call goes on and on because it’s all there. Everything you hate is there, waiting to be loved. And that’s what transforms it all-your love. Once seen and heard, a miracle happens. The shady character drops its mask to reveal what is inside. And there stands a small child, waiting for someone to take its hand and to comfort it. Always. That is the secret. When we see those things we reject about ourselves in someone else, and you can recognize them because you will hate them in another, remember it is a small child, acting out to get its needs met. Remember also, that it lives inside you too. Today, shine a light on the areas that you usually turn your back on. From behind, their shadows are large and frightening, but when they step into the spotlight, you will see their true size and the fear will be gone. Live true to all the parts of you. Love your darkness…because it is beautiful too.

Imagine Today

 

What if today…you chose to be happy? Not a “forever, every day for the rest of your life, totally permanent, I AM HAPPY, DANGIT” kind of happy, but just the happy that sees the moment in all it’s imperfection and loves it anyway…the kind of happy that has more in common with peace and contentment than excitement or giddiness…the kind of happy that is an invited guest and leaves you feeling refreshed when the visit is done…the kind of happy that is grateful because the world is filled with grace and good, more than it’s filled with struggle and bad and that truth needs to be honored.

What if today…you chose to be kind to yourself? Kind at almost a molecular level…the type of kindness that changes everything because you realize when you put the mean voice to bed, the self critical voice that is a spoiled rotten brat without manners or common courtesy, that that little bugger needed a timeout a looong time ago and you can put him there anytime you want…the type of kindness that says, like Glinda, “You had the power all along” and you see with new eyes that she’s right and that strength is a kindness of the necessary sort.

What if today…you chose to be loved? I don’t mean loving others. I’m sure you’re a pro at that. I mean, letting in the love that you are being offered, now, in this moment…taking every bit of it in regardless if it’s enough or just right or your favorite flavor or tied up in a ribbon the way you like…treating it like priceless treasure even if it is a downy feather or a small, round rock that a child carried around…let it in even if that means taking the lock off your heart that is only there because someone taught you that it wasn’t safe to leave it open or that it’s only love if they somehow already know the combination…Love is there, now, in the same way the Sun persistently finds a way through clouds,and trees and tightly shuttered windows because Love, like the Sun, was meant to shine. Let it in.

What if today…you chose YOU? No editing or shrinking to fit into a standard sized box or allowing yourself to be catalogued and labeled by someone else…write your own definition of you and live it…choose to politely hand back all the “shoulds” and “have to’s” to those who seem to love them so much. You have your own. Take them out and dust them off. Oh hello, I HAVE TO spend some time with me today to feel grounded. Welcome back, I SHOULD love myself and honor what is uniquely me. Come on in, I HAVE the power to create a life I love, that looks just the way I want it to look and isn’t contingent on anyone rubber stamping it…choose what makes you happy and give a finger to the lie that it’s selfish to think of one’s own happiness. If you don’t, how will you recognize it? That’s not selfish, that’s just smart.

What if today…you chose to live true? Please do.