If You Wanna Believe

Daybreak

The day her heart broke

differently

than before

she paused

realeased

her breath

and saw instead

a nesting doll

opened.

And she wondered

how many years she had

wasted

staring

at eggshells

when there was

a new

precious

beginning

to be nurtured.

Sometimes all we need is a shift in our perspective. To look away from what is causing pain or suffering and to look toward what is beginning, to what is good and just as equally true. They are both there. It is really just a matter of choosing to look. So today, take whatever heartbreak, whatever obstacle or challenge you are struggling with and hold it up to the light. See what else shines there. Even in the darkest night, there is a spark. Live true and find it.

“Sometimes the obstacle is in the way. Sometimes it is the way. It’s important to ask, ‘Is this stopping me or showing me?'”

–from Mythic Journeys

Today’s Mantra

Here’s something I want you to remember, especially on the challenging days, the days where you might need a little something extra…Repeat after me…

I am not broken.

Yes, you may not have all the answers and yes, you may have some bad habits that you need to work on, but you are not broken. Maybe your relationships are a mess and you have no idea how to clean them up, but you are not broken. Maybe  the way you currently go about living your life isn’t serving you, or doing what you’ve always done isn’t getting you what you ultimately want, but you are not broken. And maybe the Life Toolbox you were handed as a child only had a hammer in it and most days you could really use a screwdriver, even then, you are not broken. Repeat after me…

I am not broken

You are whole and worthy, today, in this moment. You need no fixing. Because you are not broken. You have everything you need to figure it out and can trust that the answers will present themselves in the very moment you need them because you are not broken. All that is needed is to keep your eyes open and learn. And if you have a problem you can’t fix today, rest assured that all that means is that somewhere in your future you will be presented with the opportunity to gain a skill you don’t currently have. Today you may struggle, but you won’t always. Because, repeat after me…

I am not broken.

And this I know, that there is more love around you and inside you than you can see right now, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And there is more to you than you even know, because we tend to focus on our limits rather than our strengths. But I’m telling you right now that on the day Moses parted the Red Sea, the Earth contained everything necessary to build an airplane so the Israelites could have flown into the Promised land. But man wasn’t ready to SEE it. Our imaginations were limited by what we had been told we were capable of. We believed “People don’t fly, but God does miracles!” and that was all we could see, and so it was. So on the days the negative voice in your head seems to have rented a megaphone somehow and your internal dialogue has been hijacked by “I am broken, I am damaged, I am bad, I am wrong” being played on an endless loop like evil background music in an elevator that’s only going down, and you can’t see the way to fly upwards, I want you to trust God and repeat after me….

I am not broken.

For My Christian Friends

Today in church, as we discussed the Last Supper, we talked about Christ washing the feet of his disciples. Now I know most of us are familiar with this story, but today I was struck by the fact that at the very moment, when he is kneeling and performing a humble service for each man, Christ already knows the heart of each of them and knows he will be betrayed and by whom…and yet still he washes the betrayer’s feet. There was, even in that moment, no condemnation, no hate, no calling Judas out or even finding a reason to skip his feet (I’ll do Judas last…oops, ran out of time! My bad.) Nope. Not our Jesus. No matter the sin, the stain on the heart, Christ always chooses to love AND to serve. Let that sink in. Christ would’ve been totally justified in saying, “Ya know what Judas? I love you BUT you’re gonna sell me out AND GET ME KILLED so I’m not going to wash your feet or invite you in for a meal. You understand, right? I mean, I love you as a person, but I don’t love what you do, so I’m not going to serve you. Besides, there’s other passover Seders you can attend, lots of Pharisees having Seders today, and I just think you’ll be more comfortable there. Oh,and if you see me later, don’t come in for a hug or a kiss or anything. Let’s not make this awkward.” But that’s not what happened! No! Christ welcomed him, loved him, washed his feet, and broke bread with that man. He loved AND served.

Now I am going to be short and sweet with this point today: If we are followers of Christ, we should follow his example. Period. Love and serve. Love as Christ did, without a “but” in sight. Serve as Christ did, without applying some kind of internal “do they deserve it” meter. Love and serve ALL the way Christ loved and served Judas, because that is exactly how He loves and serves each of us. He loves and serves us fully knowing the contents of our hearts. He loves and serves us generously without our having to meet some standard or requirement. He loves and serves us even when we are living in opposition to His teachings. He loves and serves us despite our small, limited selves that often forgets to see the eternal perspective and to remember we are all one and beloved in God’s eyes.

Today, live true to your faith by loving AND serving as Christ did. Because when you’re serving with Christ, love always wins.

I’m Celebrating…No, Really I Am.

“YES! I did it!! Yay me! Um…now what?”

I learned something about myself the other day. There I was, holding my official Marriage and Family Therapist license in my hot, little hand and it felt great. I mean, really great…I mean, five looong years to get here kind of great. And that’s just getting the Masters degree, the additional training, the 3000 clinical hours and passing the two brutal exams. I should also include that from age 18 to age 32 (when I finally graduated), I had chipped away at my BA, amidst working full time, marriage, having and caring for two small children, divorce, single mommahood and remarriage. Ya know, life. And here I was, at the culmination of allllll that hard work and even though I was giddy with accomplishment, I was surprised with the added feeling of “Yes!…so what’s next?”

So I sat with that for a minute and asked myself some questions: Does there have to be a “next”? Is this coming from a place of proving my worth, of always needing another finish line, another “there” where I will be happy and loved and worthy someday in the future? Am I downplaying my achievement, looking for a place to be invisible? I had to ask myself these questions because I know myself, even the dark places that lurk inside. One of those being that I’m not a “celebrate the win” kind of girl. I didn’t walk either time I graduated. I was so done driving an hour each way to Chico that one. more. time. just seemed undoable. I took a pass and filled out the form that said Mail Me My Diploma. And with my Masters, the graduation ceremony was held either six months before I graduated or six months after. One felt like a lie (No judgement for anyone else. That’s just my gig.) and the other felt like by that point I couldn’t be bothered. So I already know that I am severely Success Celebration impaired. My default setting is invisible…if I let it. But you know what I realized as I sat there? I realized I am willing to be seen, that this is not a case of ignoring what I’ve achieved so as to not ruffle any feathers, so as to not set off the voice inside that tells me not to get too big for my britches. I allowed myself to feel loved and worthy and happy now…just like I was the day before the license came…and the day before I passed my test…and, well, you get the drift. I realized that having a challenge is just part of who I am, that I see it as “What do I want to learn next?”, that I can sit in that moment of success and that the joy of accomplishment is what spurs me on. There is no lack there, instead my achievement feels like an open door, waiting for me to walk through and see what’s on the other side. A door has opened and a new journey begins. I also realized in that moment that my goal has never been just a piece of paper with a bunch of numbers on it. I have a picture of the life I want to create and that piece of paper gives me the opportunity, the freedom to do just that-design the life I want to live.

Living true to you starts with knowing who you are, owning who you are. Use that knowledge to design the life you want to live. Does your ideal life contain a lot of freedom? Creativity? Connectedness? What do you see when you close your eyes and envision your ideal life? That’s the goal. Now look at what will get you there. Being able to sign LMFT after my name is totally cool, ain’t gonna lie, but it isn’t the end for me, that piece of paper isn’t the pinnacle. It is a major piece in my creating the life I want…and so now I get to walk through that door because I earned it and ask myself what’s next…because I earned that too. Live true to you by choosing to create the life you want, not someone else’s version of what life should look like, but your version, your definition, whatever that may be. And then, without apology or excuses, start creating it. Live true and celebrate YOU!

Where Ya Been?

I did it. The looooong trek to licensure is over. The years of schooling, working, studying, paper writing, clinical hours getting, test prepping and test taking are finally over and I can finally say, I did it! And I have to say the feeling of FREEDOM was a bit unexpected. I was prepared to feel relieved, to have the feeling of “What’s next?” (because that’s my nature. I like a challenge!), and was prepared for the feeling of accomplishment (Every time I sign a progress notes with, “Jaye Curtis LMFT”, I get a little buzz. I’m sure it will wear off eventually. 🙂 ), but I wasn’t expecting the feeling of FREEDOM that has arrived. As the Hubster and I were talking the other day, I realized that since giving birth at age 23, my life has been consumed by have to’s and got to’s. Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a mommy. There is so much joy in being a parent, but there is also the reality of always being on someone else’s time frame, their agenda and needs (Breastfeeding alone, people! And on top of all of the normal parenting stuff, I decided to homeschool. sigh). Bless their little hearts. And then, there’s college where the first day of each class you are handed a syllabus, AKA the professor’s time frame, agenda, and needs, which dictates your life for the rest of that semester, a sort of academic Groundhog’s Day scenario that starts new every four to five months and continues on like that FOR YEARS! AND THEN, when both degrees are done, there’s the licensing time frame, agenda and needs. And then one day, it’s 24 years later and I find myself in a place where all those demands are gone (Well, E is still a kid, but he’s twelve now so it’s a different gig when the “baby” is twelve) and there is FREEDOM! Suddenly, I get to set the time frame, the agenda and decide what I need to create the life I want to live. What will it look like? What will I do? Guess what…I’m figuring that out. So, stay tuned because Live True will be evolving. Into what, I don’t know yet, but I’m excited to find out. I hope you are too. So without further ado, let me formally announce…

I’M BACK!

A Study in Living True

The studying continues. The last few months have been a study in endurance and standing in my truth, no matter what…on top of the straight up studying for the licensing exam. I’ll be honest, it’s been exhausting. There will be times in our lives that  test the limits of our strength, that show us what we’re made of and what we truly value. Times that create a shift in our perspective and how we want to be in the world. These times will also force us to find new ways to cope, to stretch, to grow and so we should be grateful, which is always easier when you are standing on the other side of the storm. So for those of us still in the storm, remember to breathe. Take a moment for yourself. Check in with your heart. Listen to your soul, too; the deepest, truest part of yourself. You carry more wisdom than you know. You just need a moment of stillness to hear it. Take that moment, like your life depends on it. Yes, it’s that important. Quiet all the voices carrying the echoes of all the shoulds and have to’s. Ask yourself, what do I need, in this moment, to be___________. You fill in the blank. What does your heart need right now? To be at peace? Content? Happy? Brave? Strong? Listen. That answer is there too.

In the spirit of giving ourselves permission to take a moment to get back to our centers, mine always leads me back to words. I find writing calming and freeing and so anchoring, the truth that at any given moment I can choose to let it in and it’s always there. It’s like a little miracle, really. I can neglect it and ignore it and temporarily abandon it and yet, when I finally remember and open up that part of me, it’s like no time has passed at all. Joy and freedom. So, here are a couple of those moments. What does your heart and soul need to be free and joyful? What do they need right now?

How It Happened

As if he already knew

that life is made of glass

he set off across its surface

leaving a stronger voice to tear the fabric

around her heart. Her hand in his

to act like a guardian.

She stood in the doorway, wrapped in

what might have been.

–

She was too young to know

that when his ship struck

the fraud of his heart, he’d be late.

He’d begged on every corner for welcoming

words which had no meaning

except to hide the dead.

To everything there is a season, he preached,

Forgive the dark before the dawn.

–

If the truth were known

in the years between,

she went back to draw water

where there was none. There he stood,

a door carved with a language

only God remembers.

Opening at her presence, he called her name.

How could she resist?

——————————————————–

Life, As It’s Meant To Be Read

Truthfully, it is to himself

that each man tells his story.

Bowed by the last mystery,

we fear our limits as well as our lengths.

Only knowing one ending,

we don’t know we are happy,

just that we can’t go back.

–

So we live our truth, never

believing our stories

are torn jigsaw pieces placed

cruelly as well as mercifully

where the fire burns the slowest.

The last page left to be read

by the voice we’ve ignored.

–

We cannot know truth completely.

This last conviction,

frightening as well as comforting,

burns in every word

before it is formed. And yet,

settled in every naked soul

is an I love you that was true.

What To Do When There’s Flooding

Y’know, I’d like to think that ALL my posts are helpful and have an impact on people’s lives, but the truth is that I get the most feedback and comments when I write a post about dealing with other people’s drama or OPD. At first, I attributed this to our thinking a wee bit too small. (“Yes, other people can be petty and annoying, but focus on yourself and your dreams and it will all work out!” Not helpful, Pollyanna!) But I now think the reason those posts always struck a nerve is that those situations can be the most baffling to us. We get that we are in control of our own destiny and that we all need to be a little braver to reach our dreams, but what about when you are going along, living your life, with the best of intentions and a good heart and BAM! You’re hit with a drama storm. No warning. No change in the pressure system. No heavy rains or gusts of wind. Heck, your hair didn’t even get mussed up and yet there you are in the middle of a tornado named OPD…and you without an umbrella. There is no avoiding it. Sorry, dearhearts. If you choose to interact with human beings, someone will spiral into your weather system periodically and dump some OPD right in the middle of an otherwise sunny day. Welcome to Life. We are all on different paths; we are all at different places on the journey. And yes, some people will go their whole lives causing drama wherever they go…and never make the connection that it’s them; it will always be everyone else who is the problem. Here’s the bad news: There is nothing you can do to change that. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Even getting on your high enlightenment horse and (fake) feeling sorry for “those kind of people” isn’t gonna change a thing, but…

…there are things we can do to prepare for OPD so we can minimize its effects. Start with what you can control. This first lesson I had to learn the hard way, more then once, is to choose your friends wisely. I’m pretty accepting of people. It’s part of my nature. So, for many years I had friends that created drama in their lives, in my life, at their places of work, in relationships, basically everywhere…but I was in what I thought was a “non-judgmental” place by seeing the character flaws (the constant saying one thing to someone’s face and another behind their back, the constant gossiping about others, the flat out making things up, the taking everything personally-even when CLEARLY it had nothing to do with them, the immaturity and insecurity), but I kept standing by them like a good, loyal friend does, right? Wrong. I did not have good boundaries and as a consequence I kept finding myself in these weird, drama triangles with my “friends” or having an opinion about a person that later I would find out had nothing to do with the truth about who that person was. I had to learn-more than once-that a person that will lie and spread gossip to you about others, will lie and spread gossip about you to others. I know, duh, right? I’d like to be able to tell you that I figured it out in my twenties, but I can’t…I was a lot older when I realized that I don’t have to be friends with everyone and to be happy, I needed to be picky about who I let in. Now in case you have ever had the thought “I think I’m a crazy magnet”, let me share with you the words of a wise therapist (No, it’s not me…but aren’t you kind.:) ) As I was sharing once that I feel like a crazy magnet, Helen the wise therapist said, “Well, of course you are. Your acceptance of others is healing and who is in most need of healing? Sick people. You just need to learn how to bring that energy into yourself more”, which was her code word for boundaries. So since learning that important lesson, my friend circle is small and of high quality. Trials and troubles come to us all, my friends and myself included, but the travails of Life are different than drama and my friends get that.

Now moving on to what you can’t control. We are not in control of who are coworkers are or who are family members are. Both of these groups are foisted upon us. Sometimes we have some minimal control over how much contact we have with the people in this group, but that’s about it. So if you are clear about who you let into your friend circle, this will be the arena from which the unsuspecting drama will come. The group over which you have no control. Again, sorry. I don’t care how Zen-Buddha-Insert Name of Higher Power Here-Like you are, you will sometimes experience drama at the hands of others. Welcome to the planet. Seven billion people here and yes, even with all the tragedy and abuse and poverty and social injustice in the world, there will be a small percentage of people who are petty and insecure and look for offense and to create drama just to liven things up. Getting angry won’t change that. I’ve tried. Getting super angry and all puffed up with righteous indignation won’t change that. I tried that too and just looked really ridiculous. Trying to reason with the Mayor of Dramatown won’t change that either. Yep, tried that too. Drama is usually based on only the smallest of slices of reality and you both need to be experiencing reality to be able to invite reason to the party. Trust me, there’s no reasoning with drama. It would be more productive to just follow the white rabbit into Wonderland ’cause that’s where you’re gonna end up if you try that route. Been there. Done that. Smoked a hookah with a caterpillar, but I digress…And finally, counter to Thumper’s and prevailing wisdom’s advice, ignoring it won’t help either. Tried that too. But I discovered-of course, the hard way-that OPD grows exponentially when we pretend it’s not happening. It’s like the good ole Mayor of Dramatown takes your silence as assent to continue to treat you dismally or involve you in the muck. Here’s another sorry for ya-Sorry! As uncomfortable as it is, as much as you hate conflict, as much as you know the damage is done and nothing can change that, you will have to set a boundary. If not, I hope you are battening down the hatches and filling your sandbags, because you have set your course straight into the middle of the drama storm. Your boundary is all you have control of in this scenario. Don’t lie to yourself that avoiding the situation is taking the high road. The true high road does not require us to give our power away. It only mandates that we set our boundaries with the utmost integrity and care. The high road is not to be used for running away.

When we know who we are, we can be accountable for our own actions. We can find ourselves in a drama storm and know the only way out is to own our way in…and then set the boundaries that need to be set. This is the key to living a life you love. Live true to you by loving yourself enough to come in from the storm.

Adjustments Necessary

The time has finally arrived! Well, technically it came a month ago, but it’s time for me to really get down to it. After years of schooling and years of internships and years of trainings and meetings, I am here, with my 3000 clinical hours approved, ready for the next step to becoming licensed. All that is standing between me and that coveted piece of paper with my MFT number printed on it is six hours of testing…well, that and tons of paperwork, a few hundred dollars and hours and hours of studying.  So, now is the time for me to adjust my schedule to include ALL OF THE STUDYING that is required to pass the licensing exams.

To manage my overwhelm, which usually consists of massive amounts of denial and procrastination (Upside: random chores around the house now seem pressing and get completed. Downside: I’ve watched all nine seasons of Supernatural. Ye who are without Nexflix Instant Streaming may cast the first stone…but I digress..) and to keep myself from looking like the woman in the pic above, I have to make adjustments. I don’t have a plan set in stone for what it will look like, so my blog may be a bit more free form for awhile. Hey, it could be fun! You never know what you might find! Let’s be surprised together! There might be new stuff, or a visit to the archives, and of course, a poetry post might make an appearance now and again. Who knows? Bottomline, have patience while I…well, not disappear completely, but become a bit less present. Picture me, fingers stained with ink and highlighter,  studying feverishly the key terms of Strategic Family Systems and creating a timeline diagram for diagnosing the different delusional disorders, all while definitely NOT scrubbing the inside of my refrigerator or starting season 10 to find out what is going to happen now that Dean’s a demon…how long will it take anyone to notice? Is this gonna be like when Sam lost his soul?…but I digress…I will be slaving away, taking notes on defense mechanisms, mandated reporting laws and psychotropic drugs. It’s the only thing that can take me away from you, dear reader, I promise.

So, until next time, live true to you! Oh! And if you have a favorite from the archives that you’d like to see make a return appearance, let me know in the comments. I’m taking requests!

Calling Out Karma

Today, I’m calling out Karma. Why? Because I want to focus on forgiveness.
See, forgiveness can be tricky. First of all, it’s not a one-time gig. Let’s say someone betrays me and I’m able to wade through the morass of feelings and consequences that follow and end up in a place where I can say, “I have to let this go. I forgive that person.” Yay me! But guess what, I’ll probably have to have that same conversation with myself the next day…or the next week…heck, I may even have to have that same conversation an hour later! My point is that forgiveness is not a sudden arrival; it’s a process. It’s layered. Today I forgive and release my anger and all my fantasies of running that person over with my car because I’m all benevolent like that, but next week, when sadness pops up for me around the betrayal, I may be confused because I already forgave that person. “What’s going on? I forgave. I let it go. I let it go so much, I am Elsa, building my ice castle on a mountain far, far away from everyone that might ever hurt me…oh. How did that forgiveness thing go again?” And so we try again. And again. Until it‘s easier and the Frozen days are fewer and farther between, which brings us to the second thing about forgiveness: the role of Karma, the quicksand of the forgiveness process.
I’m sure the pure spiritual principle of Karma is much more enlightening, but I’m calling out our pop culture use of it. Here’s why. What goes around, comes around might not be a bad way to live your life, as it applies to you. But when we apply it to others, particularly those we need to forgive, it has a lovely vengeful tinge to it. And the sticky wicket of it all is that we can feel like we’re standing on higher ground, when we’re actually being pulled under by Karma quicksand. Fooling ourselves that we’ve forgiven while internally waiting for “it to come around” for someone keeps us stuck. There’s no forward motion in quicksand or the self deception of false forgiveness. And just so we’re clear, the western Judeo-Christian version of Karma, the “I’m leaving that between them and God” with its undertones of God being your personal hitman applies here too. Both have a feel of, “I forgave, but the Universe/God isn’t going to let them off that easy. And I can’t wait to see it!”
One of the definitions of forgiveness is giving up your right for justice. Now, this is not a call to tear down our prisons. Oh no, I am all for applying consequences so we can live in a society where we are all held accountable for our behavior. I’m talking about in our personal lives. When we have been betrayed in some way, when we have been wronged, it isn’t fair. Acknowledge that. But let’s also acknowledge that forgiving is such a big job because we are being asked to give up our right to see that other person punished for the pain they’ve caused us. Y’know that co-worker that sabotaged your work and so you got written up? Although they don’t deserve it, forgive them. How about that woman who kept chasing after your man AND your man who allowed it? No, they don’t deserve it, but forgive them. Even the parent that ignored you or constantly criticized you or hurt you, they don’t deserve it, but forgive them too. Send happy thoughts their way. Let it go without having to build yourself a new place of residence beyond human interaction. The point of forgiveness at its core is that none of us deserve it. It’s not forgiveness if it has to be earned. That’s restitution, different gig entirely. Forgiveness is not fairness. It’s mercy in action.
So today, get comfortable with the fact that those who have hurt you may go their whole lives without anyone knowing what a horrible person they are. Life is like that. Forgive anyway. Back stabbing co-workers may get promoted and everyone may think they’re wonderful. It’s not fair, but forgive . Some awful person that creates drama wherever she goes may go on to win the lottery, buy a yacht and hob-nob with the Afflecks. Do not waste your time waiting for Karma to kick that chick’s can. Just forgive. Think to yourself, “Enjoy your money and your big ole yacht and your ability to afford the best medical care when you pick up a parasite on your travels.” Oops, I may need to work on my forgiveness a little more. Hey, I’m not perfect. Forgive me.

Cookies and Netflix and Doubt…Oh My!

Fear and I have been spending some time together recently.
I am at a point in my career where there is a biiiiig next step that I have to prepare for and so Fear has packed a bag and come for a visit. Now, I don’t know about you, but whenever Fear and I hang out, we have a few activities that are always on the agenda; things like, rarely sleeping through the night, eating sugary foods like they are all about to be banned from the planet, constant internal self doubt banter and worst of all, paralysis…the everything is on pause paralysis…the all I want to do is hole up in my bed and read trashy novels paralysis…the life itself is overwhelming paralysis…the pull to stay exactly where I am in this moment forever paralysis…
I know. Fear is a bit rambly when it gets going. I think it doesn’t feel heard and so it engages in a babblefest.
So, I listen to my Fear. And even sometimes agree. Yes, I might fail. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it is scary. But…
I’m going to do it anyway.
That’s the antidote. Listen and do it anyway. We cannot wait for the Fear to go away before we begin. That’s like saying, “I’m going to wait until I learn to breathe underwater before I go swimming.” Never gonna happen. You have to hold your breath and dive in. Trust that you already possess all that’s needed to make it to the other shore. Yes, you’ll have to come up for air sometimes. That’s not a weakness or a fault. It’s part of the process, figuring out your limitations and making accommodations for them…and then continuing on. That’s the gig with swimming and that’s the gig with Fear too. Acknowledge and continue on. If you don’t keep kicking, you’ll start to sink. And that’s what Fear wants-no forward motion. For Fear, the future is a big, scary boogeyman and it erroneously believes that if we’re paralyzed, if we somehow freeze in this moment forever, the future will never get here. It’s a fairytale, but Fear is very superstitious.
So on the days that Fear is whispering in my ear, “Of course we need to study, but it’s so much! Where do we even start? How about we watch one episode of Supernatural first or read one more chapter in Lionheart? I mean, you just got to the good part! And besides, what’s the rush? It’s going to take months. At least wait until that pit in your stomach goes away. You seem really anxious. Are there any more cookies in the house?”, I acknowledge that Fear is here for a visit and that it’s along for the trip. I can’t wait for it to go before I start. That day will never come. I move forward. I keep kicking.
I hope that’s what you decide to do too. Live true to you by charting your course to the other shore, no matter that the voice says it’s too hard or that you might fail. Do it anyway…and maybe throw some salt over your shoulder for luck…just in case.